I often wonder why I need to write, why I need to be heard or read, why can I not be satisfied with simply writing in a journal??? Why this medium? Why this exposure? Is it my way of shedding the skin of pain and letting it go to the masses to dissect and chew on like hyenas or vultures?
Here I am now writing on this domain because when I write it down in a blog it brings to me a feeling of satisfaction. It is just for me. I would like it if someone would read this, but I am not crying out for attention and a lot of comments. So why do I write blogs? I like the feeling of somewhat being published.
So what is my deal, what little shred of a layer will you get in this one installment? I could start by explaining my title. Fallen Petals will be a collective sort of cathartic blog that will hopefully help me to recover from unbearable loss. At least right now I would have to describe my heart aching of the sickness from grief, regret, unfulfilled dreams and some very wrong choices. If you will, Fallen Petals is my confessional. Therefore leading to the description of "Sadness Falling Like Burnt Flesh", a quote I can not give exact reference to, but it is much like the layers of my life that need to be exfoliated, sort of like petals dropping from a dried up rose.
Today was a hard day, Mother's Day. I have had some really harsh situations to to muster through in my latent 37 years. Do I feel like the victim? No, not really. I have a 16 year old daughter that I had when I was 20. Things went horribly wrong in that period of my life. I made some irreversible choices back then. As a result I lost my daughter to her Father. It was all I could do to give her a better life. I only regret that I had stayed closer to her and not moved eight hours away and then 3,000 miles away while she was in her early stages of life. Now I feel that we have a pretty good relationship, despite the fact that she did not call today. She tells me the truth when I ask her what is really going on in her social life, or what she thinks about the government. I will get more into her in another entry.
As far as grief goes? Within the last month to this day, I had a miscarriage. I was not out to get pregnant, we were using birthcontrol. It happened and as loving people we stepped up to the plate and accepted the responsibility of our actions. We got married and it was going to be okay. We were going to be parents. Except somewhere with in the 5th week of pregnancy the fetus must have had some complication in development. It was a horrendous ordeal to have gone through. Well I am still going through it.
Today I made my calls to the women in my life who have been there for me collectively through the years. My last call was to a woman who I love very much. Except that she does not know when to keep her thoughts to herself. I was dealt an unsuspecting blow. She told me that another close friend of mine had made the comment that my dear husband who quit school mid semester, only married me because I was pregnant. Why I let this get to me I do not know. It goes onto a bigger scale of how I feel she questioned my husbands honor and it made me feel like I had entrapped this man. Which he and I both know that is not the case. It cheapened the deal so to speak. You would think some one would just want us to be happy or show some sympathy for what we have had to face as a new couple. And this woman calls me her sister?!
I can only sum it up by saying that when thoughtless people are miserable they think of no one but themselves.
I am done for the moment.
Enjoy the lyrics that puts my day into perspective.
Adia ~ Sarah Mclachlan
Adia I do believe I failed
you Adia I know I'vd let you down
don't you know I tried so hard
to love you in my way
it's easy let it go...
Adia I'm empty since you left me
trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong
there's no one left to finger
there's no one here to blame
there's no one left to talk to, honey
and there ain't no one to buy our innocence'
cause we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it's easy, we all FALTER
but does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
I know I can't change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won't betray
pull you from your tower
take away your pains
how you all the beauty you possess
if you'd only let yourself believe that
we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it's easy, we all FALTER,
but does it matter?
Ba ba ba ba bada ba da ba da ba...
'cause we are born innocent
believe me Adia we are still innocent
it's easy, we all FALTER,
but does it matter?
believe me Adia
we are still innocent
'cause we are born innocent
oh Adia
we are still
it's easy, we all FALTER,
but does it matter?
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