My Skin Itches

Coffee, lack there of, lack there of sleep. Lack there of air. I do not know. What makes my skin unbearable to be in these days?

Could it be the season to want to hibernate and let the world pass me by for three months, well maybe two since winter gets dismissed in February here.

Could it be the senseless activity of the hurried, crazed shoppers rushing to fill the consumer driven void?

Could it be the lack of will that holds one down as they are suffocated by a biochemical disorder commonly known as depression? Or a more convenient term called SADD, that fits so nicely in that neat little package mental health professionals try to put people like me in!? How quaint? S.A.D.D? A cute acronym to make things look less permanent? I fail to see the humor in Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder, (is that even the right wording?) "Aww, your just sad, let me give you an ungodly dose of medicine that the pharmaceutical companies pushed on me this week. If that does not work come back next month and I will have something else with worse side effects." Sound familiar to you? If it doesn't that is okay, you probably aren't SADD enough. 

Has your writer been holed up in her own tainted world with her jaded and skewed opinions about the world we live in? Therefore, allowing her to give you this angry rant? Bitching and complaining about the obvious problems is just a waste of time. And why am I referring to myself in the second person or is that third person usage of personal pronouns?

For me it seems as if my best ranting happens when I am ready to explode for no apparent reason, or at least not anything you would really know about. In my true and scarcely positive opinion, I really do not have anything to complain about. I am in a shitty mood because I have depression and I am fucking sick of having to live with it! I really thought I could get on with my life without the use of the doctor's chemicals to try to patch this shit up and make everything okay! Wow! What level of denial have I sunk to this time??

The thing about the meds is this: everything is just okay, good, bad or indifferent it is ALL okay! Well, life is not just OKAY! Life has peaks and valleys, however with medication it is one mono-chronic (not sure if that is a word so I guess I am using the Queens English and now it is a word) mood. Therefore, I feel that I do not get to experience all of life. It's just okay. I am not a doctor, a counselor or a therapist, but in my opinion my body just does not know how to get out of the valleys. It likes to set up house and decorate the ruts of life and adapt to that level of surviving. That is NOT living. I want to fucking LIVE! Before life really does pass me by. I am not giving up the fight but sometimes bitching about this shit helps to break the blocks of dried up emotions in my heart.

So could it be my outlook is lacking of willingness to do anything about it? Or a convenient word called depression? What came first? My laziness or the depression? I do know that I am not surrendering to this. I know I am not alone in this shit. I am not that unique  of a person. But I will not let some shrink put my round person in a square box just so they can say they fixed me. I never was broken!

So for those of you who can relate and those who can't here it is, this is where I am. But not for long. It's all in my head, the willingness, the motivation, the desire, isn't it?.The solution? Get out of self and start existing in everyday life. Sometimes just getting out of bed can be a challenge, let alone the house. However, those barriers can be knocked down.

Welcome to my war. Anyone have any lotion? My skin itches.